hey ashkie,
This will be the last time I write something like this to you too, so if you're going to read this, bear with me a little.
(Pardon me if there're grammar mistakes or mispelt shiet or things that might not make sense, i wrote it in one sitting my eyes cmi alr, will proof read again)
I owe you an honest explanation to the times when I left you. The very first time when I did it, it was partly because I wasn't ready to commit again, and also because I missed her, and wanted to fix things with her. On the night before I broke up with you, I met up with her. We had dinner and talked. I told her about us being together. I asked for her forgiveness, and she was willing to. But she demanded for your number, which I denied a couple of times. I shouldn't have went to find her when I was still with you, and the only thing left to do was to end things with you the next day. I promised her that, and I prepared my heart for the next day.
Then I met with you, and we sat together. I was so prepared to not break down and just let you go. But it was so fucking hard. I was hesitant, and for a long while I couldn't bring myself to say it. Still did, and I told you why, while leaving a huge part of my intentions untold. When I went home, I called and told her that I ended things with you. At that point of time, I felt really empty. Like a part of me was gone. As I told you not to wait for me and move on that night, I told her the same thing too. Because I truly wasn't ready to be in love now, how can I be with either of you while feeling like this, and after all the mess that I've made? I really needed time to be alone. When she heard these, she took it that I was pushing her away again. She was expecting me to be come back to her. She ranted, and the call ended like as if she was done with me. I was a little confused and disheartened, but if it's so I could be alone, yea I'll take it.
My stomach took a turn when I read your message the next day. I tried to chill the fuck out and replied you. Then I continued on my day like a zombie. Later that day, she texted me and suggested to have 15 minutes every night for bible study and prayer. I know her intentions, and I obliged. On that night when I went home, somehow, the first thing I clicked was your blog. And like I mentioned in the letters, I really burst into tears like a little bitch immediately after reading the first couple of sentences. I rushed to shower, cooked dinner and digested your letters, as well as writing mine. After publishing them, I went to call her and we really had exactly 15minutes of strictly bible study and prayers.
Then the next day, my alt insta account triggered her and she gave me a last straw-kinda rage essay. She mentioned about not giving her your number, still protecting you, telling her I'm empty and pushing her away after coming back again, and from now on we're just "prayer buddies" etc. I was pretty dumbstruck, and I told her better not to be until we both move on. And on that afternoon, I met with pastor for counselling before my band practice. I told him it was impossible for me and her, that I likely will change congregation. He was of course not approving, but he just adviced me to take this time and chill. In summary, my situation at that time was: I missed you lots, your letters really punched the right spot, she pushed me away. I thought to myself, yes, being with you was what I wanted and needed. This was the point when I got back with you again, and when I truly did not contact her since then.
The second time when I decided to bomb you the breakup text, it was just emptiness eating at me again. I have to admit the second time really shouldn't have happened, I just needed to be alone, a timeout would have been better, I asked you to wait for me, because I didn't want to lose you. But it was like as if we were still together anyway, it felt like a partial timeout, and it indeed did make me miss and appreciate you more.
And the final time. A couple of factors that lead me to this decision. I had a talk with one of my church leaders recently, and I shared with him about my experiences lately, about my feelings. I was unsatisfied and uneasy, and I don't really know why. He told me to recall the happiness I had at that time when I fell in love and got together with her, and look for that feeling again. Not because it was her, but because it was at the right time. I was pretty prejudiced against people from china and those from ITE(tho my dumbness is comparable), I would never had imagined being with someone that's either, and she was a combination of both. I learnt to be humble, among other things. My mum objected her initially too, she came over without me talking to my mum about it. I fought for our relationship.
When I got together with you, it was different. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed the time we spent together. But the feeling was different, because we started with the wrong foot at the wrong time. It wasn't just a simple we-had-mutual-feelings-and-got-together kinda r/s, it was one that stemmed out from infidelity. I always feel uneasy whenever you're not around, and my thought wanders. It didn't feel right. Not because it's you, not that you weren't enough, but because it wasn't at the right time, at least for me. I doubted the viability of our relationship. I didn't like the company you were being with(bigo). I was sometimes annoyed by the fact that you were triggered sometimes when it wasn't my intention(and I didn't feel like talking to you about it). I didn't even feel like resisting my mum when she expressed her disapproval(all I replied were grunts). I couldn't put our stuff on instagram. To even break up with you(and her) a couple of times, was something I never thought I would do. To say I don't cherish our relationship would be a stretch, but yes, I wasn't 100% cherishing it all the time. Sometimes, I don't have the drive to make things work. And a lot of times, I don't really know myself now.
So no, I'm not ready to be together with anyone now. The night I left you was hard. I told myself not to cry. I had to harden up each time I went to discard tissue. I had to watch you cry because of me yet again. I had to tell you to go. I had to walk away from your window and sob miserably. My phone was on silent, so I didn't notice till a minute later after you called, but I had to resist the urge to return your text/call. As heartless as I am, it was all really, really hard. But had I not mustered the discipline to do all these, you know what's going to happen a few weeks down the road again? Yea.
Am I manipulating you? Honestly, I don't know. Of course, the intention is definitely not there. I'm trying hard(contrary to popular belief) to move on with you. But two traits that I can clearly see in myself these couple of months, is that I'm fucking selfish, and greedy. I wanted both of you in my life, and I lacked empathy to the repercussions both of you would feel as a result of my actions. I'd never imagined that I'm capable of being this heartless. I guess this is what happens when you fall in love with two at the same time, when your heart is split into two, and when discipline is not there. It's not that you're not enough or not giving enough. I just wasn't able to cherish it, and you were stuck in love with me.
I'm not sure if anyone would ever understand my screwed up thought process. If I were an outsider or a friend of yours, and looking at your situation, my words would be the exact same as your friends, without a doubt. How could anyone end a relationship 3 times that easily, in a span of 2 months? Not someone that is truly committed to you, that's for sure.
So yes, I got some serious work to do to fix myself and my mental state.
Now, for some last words of wisdom from your korkor:
First and most importantly, if you had read everything above, you should realise by now that the problem largely lies with me. So stop bringing yourself down, alright?
Please move on. I'm not in a position to tell you what to do, but if you're a 聪明妹妹 you should know by now that I'm really not worth waiting for. I think you're wise enough to avoid obvious screw ups, but it's those wolves in sheep clothing that will catch you completely off guard, like yours truly. I'm certain there's plenty others out there that's worth pouring your heart and soul to. Just look harder!
And if I come looking back for you, please don't give me the chance to break your heart again. I probably just miss you too much or just being itchy( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). As you already mentioned, I need to get my fucking act together. If you are willing, I hope we could, at the very least, remain as just online gaming buddies, just like how we started. Not now, of course. Not for quite a long while perhaps.
Though heartless I may be, I'm still really worried about you though. Make more friends! Not just any friends but decent frands(bigo ugh)! Don't be a lazy ass and drink more water! Do your dailies! Don't tilt so easily ffs IT'S JUST A GAIM! Don't eat so much junk shiet! And tho sad times are nigh, drink in moderation, and watch where/what you drink okay! Most importantly, always be aware of your surroundings and be safe, look after yourself okay, you're sometimes blur af! And I know I'm a fucking terrible example of how christians should behave, but I do hope God will eventually touch your heart, someday.
Lastly, I'm really sorry, for everything.
Happiness will surely come your way.
That's all.
toby.
And now, for the insincere, irrelevant part.
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If your heart is still faint, don't scroll down, leave it till next time when you know you're gonna read it and be like, "LUL yeano"
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I'd warned you, okay? I know you're like 95% still going to read anyway cos you're a fucking scrub, but this is your LAST CHANCE TO GET YO SCRUBBY FINGARS OFF THE SCROLL BUTTON.
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"did u ever love me? at all? whenever u told me u loved me, when u gave those chocolates to me on valentines day, did that actually mean anything to u? did i ever mean anything to u? now u’re stuck with someone pathetic like me. stuck because u were forced to introduce me to ur mum when she came home while i was still over. our relationship has been nothing but sex. it just feels like thats all im good for in ur eyes.”
kii, you'd asked countless times, do I really love you?
Well, what do you think?
Just like you, I had never met anyone like you in my 28 years. How can someone be so retarded? You were the first person I could be comfortable(as in retarded) with within like minutes of meeting for the first time. You were the first person that I could just spend the entire time staring at each other. We were able to connect so easily and effortlessly. Being with you, from the first time we met, every moment was magical. We were able to enjoy so many things together. You loved me unconditionally, despite me being with a poor and messy background, despite our age gap. You accepted me for who I am. You gave me everything you could give and more. You worked hard to make our relationship work. You changed some of your habits for the better for me. You were understanding, even though I couldn't commit to you as much as you to me. You are really wise for your age and I actually learnt quite a lot from you. You taught me to be a little more sensitive to others and our environment. You can actually correct my English. You laughed at all the tiny little stupid shit I do. We could laugh together at all the stupid little shit that we(or others) do. Whenever I'm with you, it's just.. a unique warmth and fuzziness, be it snuggling, or just sitting there playing/watching shows. You're always a lil cutie. Every time when you do cutesy sounds, when you hook and grab my arm intensely, when you hug me from behind, I just melt. You were a good obedient xmm. You took care of me, always reminded me to say grace, always anxious about my wellbeing. You were serious about our future together. You really meant everything to me, I could throw away and sacrifice what I had(when my mind is still clear) just to be with you.
With all these and more, how could I not have truly loved you?
To say that I would love you forever would be a stretch, but you would be held in my heart for a very, very long time, no matter where I am, no matter who I'm with. It's only been 3 months, but it will be these few special memorable moments that will be deeply etched in my heart. Your eyes, your smile, your hugs and kisses, your love, your sacrifice, I will never forget. A reminder of mistakes I made, precious opportunities that I didn't cherish and regrets. Yes, I would definitely regret forever.
Not regretting that we met in pubg, not that we met in AFA, not that I gave you my postal code.
But regretting that I wasn't in a clear state of mind while you were fully committed. Regretting that I chose to love you when I wasn't ready. Regretting to be the one that made you cry. Regretting to have let go of a special individual I would never chance upon someone alike again.
I love you, ashkie.
Always do,
Always will.
bii.
This will be the last time I write something like this to you too, so if you're going to read this, bear with me a little.
(Pardon me if there're grammar mistakes or mispelt shiet or things that might not make sense, i wrote it in one sitting my eyes cmi alr, will proof read again)
I owe you an honest explanation to the times when I left you. The very first time when I did it, it was partly because I wasn't ready to commit again, and also because I missed her, and wanted to fix things with her. On the night before I broke up with you, I met up with her. We had dinner and talked. I told her about us being together. I asked for her forgiveness, and she was willing to. But she demanded for your number, which I denied a couple of times. I shouldn't have went to find her when I was still with you, and the only thing left to do was to end things with you the next day. I promised her that, and I prepared my heart for the next day.
Then I met with you, and we sat together. I was so prepared to not break down and just let you go. But it was so fucking hard. I was hesitant, and for a long while I couldn't bring myself to say it. Still did, and I told you why, while leaving a huge part of my intentions untold. When I went home, I called and told her that I ended things with you. At that point of time, I felt really empty. Like a part of me was gone. As I told you not to wait for me and move on that night, I told her the same thing too. Because I truly wasn't ready to be in love now, how can I be with either of you while feeling like this, and after all the mess that I've made? I really needed time to be alone. When she heard these, she took it that I was pushing her away again. She was expecting me to be come back to her. She ranted, and the call ended like as if she was done with me. I was a little confused and disheartened, but if it's so I could be alone, yea I'll take it.
My stomach took a turn when I read your message the next day. I tried to chill the fuck out and replied you. Then I continued on my day like a zombie. Later that day, she texted me and suggested to have 15 minutes every night for bible study and prayer. I know her intentions, and I obliged. On that night when I went home, somehow, the first thing I clicked was your blog. And like I mentioned in the letters, I really burst into tears like a little bitch immediately after reading the first couple of sentences. I rushed to shower, cooked dinner and digested your letters, as well as writing mine. After publishing them, I went to call her and we really had exactly 15minutes of strictly bible study and prayers.
Then the next day, my alt insta account triggered her and she gave me a last straw-kinda rage essay. She mentioned about not giving her your number, still protecting you, telling her I'm empty and pushing her away after coming back again, and from now on we're just "prayer buddies" etc. I was pretty dumbstruck, and I told her better not to be until we both move on. And on that afternoon, I met with pastor for counselling before my band practice. I told him it was impossible for me and her, that I likely will change congregation. He was of course not approving, but he just adviced me to take this time and chill. In summary, my situation at that time was: I missed you lots, your letters really punched the right spot, she pushed me away. I thought to myself, yes, being with you was what I wanted and needed. This was the point when I got back with you again, and when I truly did not contact her since then.
The second time when I decided to bomb you the breakup text, it was just emptiness eating at me again. I have to admit the second time really shouldn't have happened, I just needed to be alone, a timeout would have been better, I asked you to wait for me, because I didn't want to lose you. But it was like as if we were still together anyway, it felt like a partial timeout, and it indeed did make me miss and appreciate you more.
And the final time. A couple of factors that lead me to this decision. I had a talk with one of my church leaders recently, and I shared with him about my experiences lately, about my feelings. I was unsatisfied and uneasy, and I don't really know why. He told me to recall the happiness I had at that time when I fell in love and got together with her, and look for that feeling again. Not because it was her, but because it was at the right time. I was pretty prejudiced against people from china and those from ITE(tho my dumbness is comparable), I would never had imagined being with someone that's either, and she was a combination of both. I learnt to be humble, among other things. My mum objected her initially too, she came over without me talking to my mum about it. I fought for our relationship.
When I got together with you, it was different. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed the time we spent together. But the feeling was different, because we started with the wrong foot at the wrong time. It wasn't just a simple we-had-mutual-feelings-and-got-together kinda r/s, it was one that stemmed out from infidelity. I always feel uneasy whenever you're not around, and my thought wanders. It didn't feel right. Not because it's you, not that you weren't enough, but because it wasn't at the right time, at least for me. I doubted the viability of our relationship. I didn't like the company you were being with(bigo). I was sometimes annoyed by the fact that you were triggered sometimes when it wasn't my intention(and I didn't feel like talking to you about it). I didn't even feel like resisting my mum when she expressed her disapproval(all I replied were grunts). I couldn't put our stuff on instagram. To even break up with you(and her) a couple of times, was something I never thought I would do. To say I don't cherish our relationship would be a stretch, but yes, I wasn't 100% cherishing it all the time. Sometimes, I don't have the drive to make things work. And a lot of times, I don't really know myself now.
So no, I'm not ready to be together with anyone now. The night I left you was hard. I told myself not to cry. I had to harden up each time I went to discard tissue. I had to watch you cry because of me yet again. I had to tell you to go. I had to walk away from your window and sob miserably. My phone was on silent, so I didn't notice till a minute later after you called, but I had to resist the urge to return your text/call. As heartless as I am, it was all really, really hard. But had I not mustered the discipline to do all these, you know what's going to happen a few weeks down the road again? Yea.
Am I manipulating you? Honestly, I don't know. Of course, the intention is definitely not there. I'm trying hard(contrary to popular belief) to move on with you. But two traits that I can clearly see in myself these couple of months, is that I'm fucking selfish, and greedy. I wanted both of you in my life, and I lacked empathy to the repercussions both of you would feel as a result of my actions. I'd never imagined that I'm capable of being this heartless. I guess this is what happens when you fall in love with two at the same time, when your heart is split into two, and when discipline is not there. It's not that you're not enough or not giving enough. I just wasn't able to cherish it, and you were stuck in love with me.
I'm not sure if anyone would ever understand my screwed up thought process. If I were an outsider or a friend of yours, and looking at your situation, my words would be the exact same as your friends, without a doubt. How could anyone end a relationship 3 times that easily, in a span of 2 months? Not someone that is truly committed to you, that's for sure.
So yes, I got some serious work to do to fix myself and my mental state.
Now, for some last words of wisdom from your korkor:
First and most importantly, if you had read everything above, you should realise by now that the problem largely lies with me. So stop bringing yourself down, alright?
Please move on. I'm not in a position to tell you what to do, but if you're a 聪明妹妹 you should know by now that I'm really not worth waiting for. I think you're wise enough to avoid obvious screw ups, but it's those wolves in sheep clothing that will catch you completely off guard, like yours truly. I'm certain there's plenty others out there that's worth pouring your heart and soul to. Just look harder!
And if I come looking back for you, please don't give me the chance to break your heart again. I probably just miss you too much or just being itchy( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). As you already mentioned, I need to get my fucking act together. If you are willing, I hope we could, at the very least, remain as just online gaming buddies, just like how we started. Not now, of course. Not for quite a long while perhaps.
Though heartless I may be, I'm still really worried about you though. Make more friends! Not just any friends but decent frands(
Lastly, I'm really sorry, for everything.
Happiness will surely come your way.
That's all.
toby.
And now, for the insincere, irrelevant part.
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If your heart is still faint, don't scroll down, leave it till next time when you know you're gonna read it and be like, "LUL yeano"
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I'd warned you, okay? I know you're like 95% still going to read anyway cos you're a fucking scrub, but this is your LAST CHANCE TO GET YO SCRUBBY FINGARS OFF THE SCROLL BUTTON.
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"did u ever love me? at all? whenever u told me u loved me, when u gave those chocolates to me on valentines day, did that actually mean anything to u? did i ever mean anything to u? now u’re stuck with someone pathetic like me. stuck because u were forced to introduce me to ur mum when she came home while i was still over. our relationship has been nothing but sex. it just feels like thats all im good for in ur eyes.”
kii, you'd asked countless times, do I really love you?
Well, what do you think?
Just like you, I had never met anyone like you in my 28 years. How can someone be so retarded? You were the first person I could be comfortable(as in retarded) with within like minutes of meeting for the first time. You were the first person that I could just spend the entire time staring at each other. We were able to connect so easily and effortlessly. Being with you, from the first time we met, every moment was magical. We were able to enjoy so many things together. You loved me unconditionally, despite me being with a poor and messy background, despite our age gap. You accepted me for who I am. You gave me everything you could give and more. You worked hard to make our relationship work. You changed some of your habits for the better for me. You were understanding, even though I couldn't commit to you as much as you to me. You are really wise for your age and I actually learnt quite a lot from you. You taught me to be a little more sensitive to others and our environment. You can actually correct my English. You laughed at all the tiny little stupid shit I do. We could laugh together at all the stupid little shit that we(or others) do. Whenever I'm with you, it's just.. a unique warmth and fuzziness, be it snuggling, or just sitting there playing/watching shows. You're always a lil cutie. Every time when you do cutesy sounds, when you hook and grab my arm intensely, when you hug me from behind, I just melt. You were a good obedient xmm. You took care of me, always reminded me to say grace, always anxious about my wellbeing. You were serious about our future together. You really meant everything to me, I could throw away and sacrifice what I had(when my mind is still clear) just to be with you.
With all these and more, how could I not have truly loved you?
To say that I would love you forever would be a stretch, but you would be held in my heart for a very, very long time, no matter where I am, no matter who I'm with. It's only been 3 months, but it will be these few special memorable moments that will be deeply etched in my heart. Your eyes, your smile, your hugs and kisses, your love, your sacrifice, I will never forget. A reminder of mistakes I made, precious opportunities that I didn't cherish and regrets. Yes, I would definitely regret forever.
Not regretting that we met in pubg, not that we met in AFA, not that I gave you my postal code.
But regretting that I wasn't in a clear state of mind while you were fully committed. Regretting that I chose to love you when I wasn't ready. Regretting to be the one that made you cry. Regretting to have let go of a special individual I would never chance upon someone alike again.
I love you, ashkie.
Always do,
Always will.
bii.
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